Xemnas' Evil Rant
by Necros of Shadow
Summary: Xemnas lost his snack and the Org will pay. First time so comments are welcome. Rated M for swears and Vexen beatings.
1. Chapter 1

This is my first story and therefore may not be very good. Dont hate or i will send the evil monsters after you. I do not own Kingdom Hearts or anything in this. I may add more if this takes off so comments are welcome.

* * *

Chapter 1

Lightning cackled in the dark clouds over the World That Never Was. The flash shone on the white walls of the Castle That Never Was. Inside the room of Where Nothing Gathers stood thirteen raised thrones. One by one figures in black coats warped through darkness onto the thrones. When all twelve were settled the highest throne recieved its master. The others waited. They were the Organization, the greatest evil group since the Rare Hunters or the Samurai Pizza Cats. They waited as the Superior, Xemnas, spoke.

"Who the fuck stole my Cheetos!" The room was quiet as Xemnas began his rant.

"Is it too much to ask that one of you bastards not steal from me!? I bust my ass every fucking day making sure this group does something useful and this is how I am repayed?"

At that moment Vexen sneezed, since things seem to happen to him all the time. Xemnas pointed at him.

"It was you wasnt it you little bitch! Iv seen you watching my Cheetos with envy!"

Before Vexen could explain his terrible luck Xemnas started blasting him with lightning, making the poor Nobody tumble off his throne and writh on the white floor. Axel started laughing and Xemnas took a moment from frying Vexen to glare.

"What are you in on it too? Suffer!" In a blink Axel was trapped in a sphere of power and slowly being electricuted by Xemnas.

"No one leaves until I get my god damn Cheetos! How the fuck can I talk to a giant moon if I dont have a cheesy snack to pass the time!?"

Getting tired of Axel Xemnas jumps down and starts beating Vexen for no real reason. Except it's Vexen. Zexion, who had been sleeping for the whole time since he made a illusion of being awake, opens his eyes to Axel smoking and Vexen getting the shit kicked out of him. Yawning a Cheetos bag falls out of his coat. Xemnas stops smashing Vexen's teeth to stare.

"Oh right I told Zexion he could have some. Very well then get back to work you friken lightweights. Im going to mumble to the moon."

Everyone warped away except Vexen, who was bleeding on the floor, and Zexion.

'Sucks to be you." And with that Vexen was alone to bleed. The End.

* * *

Not the worst thing iv ever seen. Share you thoughts. But remember, the monster....


	2. Chapter 2

Second chap of my first attempt at fan fiction. No one has beat down the door to kill me so I guess it wasnt that bad. I own nothing but my own imagination.

* * *

Chapter 2

Three days after the Cheeto incident Vexen managed to drag himself out of bed and go to the kitchen. The only other people there were Roxas and Xemnas. The Superior didnt bother to look at Vexen, who slid along the wall, somehow hoping the stark white wall would hide him in his black coat. Reaching the frige he opened it and yawned while grabbing a bottle. Due to having his eyes closed Vexen had the shittastic luck to grab the bottle labeled ," Xemnas' Mountian Dew, touch at your risk." Xemnas jerked his head out of the paper he was reading and looked right at Vexen.

Larxene walked down the hallway wondering if she should read "How to be a cold bitch weekly" or just bitchslap Demyx when Vexen erupted from the wall to her left and faceplanted the other wall, sliding down. Xemnas jumped through the wall and started beating Vexen with a Ethereal Blade.

"You think its funny bitch? You like trying to drink other people's soda? What part of TOUCH AT YOUR RISK dont you get?!" Picking the twitching Number 4 up Xemnas threw him though a solid part of the wall and into Roxas.

"Your all in on it! You assholes want my Dew! You wont take it!"

At that moment Marluxia pranched in and heard Xemnas.

'Who told him i want his dew? I was waiting for Valentines Day to try that." The room went silent as Xemnas' eyes twitched, "GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

-Two hours later-

Xigbar walked into the kitchen hoping to get some beer.

"What the fuck!?"

Roxas was shoved into a closet, Larxene was tied up hanging over a running sink, Vexen was busy introducing the wall to his face, and Xemnas was brutally kicking Marluxia in the balls.

"That fucking it! Iv had it with you jackasses bitching up my castle! Im shipping the lot of you to Castle Oblivion! And I hope Sora comes and shoves a Keyblade right up your ass!"

Marluxia looked up," Do you think he will?" Xemnas stomped down on 12's groin as hard as he could. Turning he walked passed Xigbar and yelled for Saix to stop staring like a retard puppy and get him some whiskey. Xigbar just went to the frige and got a beer, looked around, took a picture of Larxene for the fanbase, and walked out.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Vexen woke up and happily jumped off his large bed and moved to his mirror. His toned body flexed as he admired himself before turning to the window. Kingdom Hearts shined in the sky, grateful to be in his presence. Putting on his coat Vexen strode down the hallways of his Castle That Never Was. Turning to another hallway he noticed a puddle had appeared on the floor just to ruin his day. Snapping his fingers Xaldin ran up and mopped it up with his hideous dreadlocks. Leaving Captian Sideburns he entered the kitchen to the cries and adoring tears of his people. Luxord burst into tears of joy and Marluxia layed down to let Vexen wipe his feet on his face, thanking the Superior for the honor.

Sitting down Roxas crawled on his hands and knees and Vexen took the breakfast off him.

"Thank you Master! Is there any way I can be more of a bitch?" Vexen thought.

"I want you to set fire to Marluxia's garden again and jump in so I can test my theory if dumbassness can put out fire. Might as well add another award to my collection." Roxas nodded and ran out, Marluxia skipping behind him. After that he visited Saix in his windowless room, Saix shivering like a addict, then went to the library. Sitting down Larxene and Xion knelt down to him.

"Oh Superior, let us polish your shield." Vexen nodded then opened the book he wrote.

"WRONG!' A fist burst out of the book and slammed Vexen in the chair. Swearing Xemnas pulled himself out of the book.

"You little cocklobster! Did you think you can replace me? Not even in your dreams bitch!" Xemnas then grabbed Axel, Vexen was using him as a lamp, and started beating Vexen with the pryomaniac. Getting bored Xemnas threw Axel out a window and kicked Vexen in the sack.

"This is how it works jackass. This is my Castle, my mouthbreathing retard minions, and my fucking hoes!" Xemnas picked up a bookcase and dropped it on Vexen. Groaning as his ribs were reduced to dust, Vexen noticed a naked man. This was Marluxia's Yaoi collection.

Vexen woke up screaming, effectivly killing the ears of Marluxia, Axel, and Larxene. Swearing Larxene rubbed her ears.

"What the hell! One minute your ranting on the clone of a teenager you probably want to molest, then you just blanked out for a fucking hour! Right Mar?"

Marluxia was staring at Axel when he snapped out of it,"Wha? Oh right evil plan. Well Vexen since your a bitch and no one likes you go fight Sora, mabye you'll get lucky and he will listen to you, God knows we dont."

Vexen nodded, how hard could it be to fight a teenager with a oversized key, a duck with a shrill scream that wakes the dead, and a retarded dog monster?

After he left Marluxia turned to Axel,"By some unbelieveable chance he survives smoke his ass."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Lord Xemnas! I have.....", Saix stopped mid step in the door to Xemnas' room. The Superior was sitting on a stark white recliner with a stark white remote and watcing Death Note on a pink TV, just kidding it was white. Xemnas greeted his number two by grabbing a glass of Dew and throwing it at him.

"This is my fucking time! Get out before I take away your moon window again!' Saix wiped Mountian Dew away.

"Sir, I didnt know you had a TV! Or a Chair!"

"No Saix I just got them today OF COURSE I DO! What did you think I spend my time staring at Kingdom Hearts like a retarded puppy or sit in the throne room looking at a white wall all day? I need some time alone when i dont have to watch you people shit to make sure you do it right!"

"Well Superior I have the lastest report from C.O"

'Great, whats the reject pile up to this time. Did they find the damn Chamber?"

"No sir. Marluxia led Sora into the Castle, then spent a good hour teaching him a card system that apprently exists. Then Riku entered the basement. The death toll at the moment is Lexeaus and Vexen and Larxene with Axel screwing everyone over for more screentime."

Xemnas just sat there then paused as L kicked Light in the face.

-Castle Oblivion-

"Now Namine break Sora's heart, even though he seems to have everyone's heart these days." Namine looked up in horror.

"No way! Especially not after I spent this whole time screwing his mind up!" Marluxia just laughed.

"Ill give you a chance Sora, join me I need you"

"For my Keyblade?!"

"Sure...why not. I want your 'keyblade' for my 'evil plans'."

Before Sora could reply Xemnas warped in, threw Donald and Goofy aside like the supporting characters they are, and bitchslaping Sora for good effect.

'You pink haired cocksucking bitch! How dare you!" Marluxia tried using Namine as a shield, but since she is only about hip length to him Xemnas just punched the Nobody anyway.

"Ok ok Im sorry Xemnas! I didnt mean to betray you!" Xemnas pushed him to the wall and kicked him in the nuts.

"You, betray me! HAHAHAHA your about as much a threat to me as the dog monster over there. Im talking about getting Vexen and Larxene killed! What the fuck am I gonna do without my punching bag! And Larxene! You killed the only girl in the group!"

"She was a cold bitch!" Xemnas started banging Marluxia's head on the walls.

"She was the only damn woman in the gang! Now its nothing but a sausage fest! How else will keep us from being labeled gay! Xion's a clone! I could be fucking her and she turns into Riku! I wont go there! I..." Xemnas stopped the abuse as he felt something under Marluxia's coat.

"DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING BONER!"

Riku walked down the hallway when he heard a rumbling. Zexion appeared about to wage mental war on the emotastic teen when Marluxia came crashing though the cieling, Xemnas close behind.

"Dont you EVER get a boner when Im killing you! Its torture for a reason!" Riku and Zexion just stared as Xemnas started kicking the pink man's face into a bloody pulp.

"You like little boys so much HERE!" Picking Marluxia up he threw him at Riku. Leaving his Heartless to emerge and kill Marluxia Xemnas grabbed Zexion and warped back. Sora and Namine looked down the hole of about fourteen floors Xemnas punched through.

"Fuck......"


	5. Chapter 5

Rant 5 hard to believe they stuck around this long

Xion walked down a hallway of the Castle, humming and hoping to see Axel and Roxas. As she passed a door with a window Vexen's bloody face slammed on the window. Xion screamed, though if it was from the bloody dead guy appearing or just his face in general no one knew. Behind him Xemnas grabbed his neck and strangled him until his head burst, making Xion piss her pants in fright. Xemnas opened the door and walked out taking off his bloody gloves.

'Hello Xion, is something the matter?"

"Sir...was that Vexen?" Xemnas slaped Xion with the glove covered in blood.

"Bitch what did I say about talking? Its not good and it makes other people hate you. Anyway if you must know Vexen was such a egotistical dick he made several Replicas of himself. Now whenever this groups mind blowing stupidity finally makes me snap I just brutally murder a clone."

Xion stared over Xemnas to see Vexens frozen in tubes. Xemnas threw the gloves at her and walked away. Later she met up with Roxas.

"Hey do you think Xemnas hates me?"

"No why?"

-flashbacks-

"Who the fuck gave you permission to breath near me?"

"Here Xion your first thanksgiving meal, its shit."

" Everyone gets a vacation but you Xion, your bad. You get to clean out the toilets after the spicy food we had."

"Dont you fucking think of being in the same hallway as me."

-end-

'Its just a feeling"

Roxas shrugged and the two walked by a window where Zexion was hanging upside down over the void thing the castle floats over.

-Next day-

The Organization warped into Where Nothing Gathers to hear what Xemnas was pissed about this time.

"Listen up cocksuckers. Xion ran away again. Im so glad to see that you guys cant even stop her from running away AGAIN with no one noticing. But to advance the plot Xion is a Replica of Sora I created." Demyx raised his hand.

'Whats a Replica", Xemnas threw Chain of Memories at his eye and continued until Xaldin raised his hand.

'Isnt cloning a major moral issue."

"I conducted countless experiments on people for no other reason then my own enjoyment, created the Nobodies, damned you all to be Nobodies since I made them, created a clone to stop a teen from ever waking up, make beating the shit out of you my daily business, set shit on fire and throw it at you, plan on screwing you all over to become a god, WHAT PART MAKES YOU THINK I CARE ABOUT ETHICS! You are all pawns to my demented will! If I want Axel to have wings I will fucking splice you DNA as long as I need to! Axel go get the bitch. I dont care how you get her I just want her back here or its the water room again. The rest of you get the fuck out of my sight. Iv got to wash the stupid off myself again.

* * *

Vexen clones to exist. Apprently in the CoM manga he made them, never read it myself. I think its going well so far.


	6. Chapter 6

Rant 6

Xemnas warped into the throne room, Saix following.

"You had better have a good reason for taking me away from beating Demyx with his own sitar.'

"Xion is dead"

"And?" Saix blinked.

"Im the fucking leader of evil and im the oldest Nobody. I dont give a fuck if she died. I made her eat shit for Thanksgiving!"

"Sir we spent a year on her and you just brush it off"

"Have a snack Saix"

"I dont see anything.."

"Im feeding you PAIN", Saix was blasted with lightning Darth Sidious style.

"Dont you ever fucking question my twisted logic! Im your goddamn boss! I say suck dick you ask who's! I say eat shit you ask how much! I say Xion doesnt matter she never comes up again you insolent bitch!' Saix got over the mind numbing pain to nod. Xemnas warped away.

-later-

"What now Saix, did you find Roxas."

"Yes but Riku kidnappd him in this very world" Xemnas ball kicked Saix, pushed him down, and ground his boot on Saix's face.

"What! You fucking let him get stolen right in eyesight of the Castle! What if Riku was coming to kill us! He could have just walked in and murdered us in our sleep! Great job you useless fuck! AXEL!" Axel pokes his head in while playing a PSP. Xemnas grabbed the PSP and crushed it in his fist. Axel broke down crying.

"Get a DS bitch. Saix let Roxas get kidnapped now go find him. If you fail me ill skin you alive and lock you in a sharktank." Axel left very fast.

* * *

Yea this wasnt very long but im having a slight block. I plan to have more chapters but Xemnas just doesnt appear in KH2 for me to have alot to work with.


	7. Chapter 7

yes i know xmas passed already. But im hitting a snag in new chapters into KH2 so ill add a chapter i wasnt able to do during xmas till i think something up.

* * *

Christmas Rant

Roxas hummed merrily down the hallways of the Castle, the holiday season running through his non existant veins. There was Marluxia hanging red flowers, Larxene getting the lights going, Axel attempting to burn both, even Saix was showing the spirit with a Santa Hat. The other members where preparing dinner or stealing....er obtaining a tree. Roxas was in a great mood, this was his and Xion's first Christmas! Passing Xemnas' door the Key of Destiny decided to visit his hellish boss. Roxas knocked and opened the door. The room was dark and Xemnas sat away from him on his recliner. The Superior's head slowly turned to glare at Roxas, who smiled.

"Merry Christmas Eve boss!'

'Shut the fuck up you little cocksucker!" Xemnas grabbed his darts and threw them at the young Nobody.

-several dart filled moments later-

Axel was going to the kitchen to heat up the ovens when he heard Roxas. Turning around he saw his friend limping with darts sticking out of his head.

"Talked to Xemnas?" Roxas nodded.

"Hey Axel why does Xemnas hate Christmas so much?" Axel shrugged when Zexion stopped by.

"I can answer your question but....."

"Story time!" Roxas pushed Zexion on a chair and sat on his lap.

"Tell me tell me tellmetellmetellme"

"OK OK JUST SHUT UP YOU KEYSHIPPING IDIOT!" Roxas shut up, wondering why people used that shipping word around him and Axel, and Sora, and Xion.

"Now then, it all began when Xemnas was whole, Xehanort. Even then he was a doucenozzle sociopathic bastard with more regard for his breakfast then human life. You see Ansem the Wise always held a big party in the castle and everyone got one present. His was Xehanort's first Christmas since he lost his memories to be explained in Birth by Sleep. Well during the party Ansem gave Xehanort his present, but before he could open it Braig, Xigbar's human self, got drunk and burned the tree down. It collapsed and crushed the present. Three days later, and after beating Braig to a bleeding pulp, Xehanort decided to use the Heartless to destroy the worlds. The End."

Roxas stared at Zexion," That didnt help me."

"Well sucks to be you" Zexion punted the boy off and walked away.

-hour later-

Roxas returned to Xemnas' room to try and cheer the pissed leader off. When he opened the door he saw Santa Claus explode into bloody chunks. Roxas screamed and pissed his Christmas underwear. As he ran away Xemnas laughed, taking the time to kidnap a mall Santa and murder him to mentally scar a one year old Nobody was the perfect plan.

-dinner-

The whole Organization looked at Roxas as he curled up on his throne and shivered. A large tree stood ontop of the platfrom, they bleached it white to hide the original owner's blood. Plates with food floated as they ate. Xemnas warped into the room with 12 presents.

'Listen up you cockweasels i mean people, I know iv been grumpy with having to tolerate your existence and you suffering from my pissation. So here...Merry Christmas."

Xigbar opened his and Stitch jumped out and clawed at his face. Xaldin's box had a lance slingshoted into his eye. Vexen had a fucking flamethrower burn his ugly face. Lexeuse howled as a anti drug video played. Zexion watched his prize book burn. A robotic razor jumped out and started shaving Saix's Final Fantasy hair. Axel's was empty, but then a gaint water ballon fell on him out of nowhere. Luxord took a swing of Christmas Whisky but choked as acid burned him. Demyx wept due to Xemnas getting him a DJ Hero. Marluxia's was a notice that Xemnas had canceled his Yaoi subscription. Larxene got a list of the number of times she had been laid, NONE. Roxas screamed and shit as Santa's bloody head laughed evilly. Xion wasnt allowed in the Castle since Xemnas made her spend Christmas in some shed. Xemnas laughed as he learned the true meaning of Christmas, giving is fun. To top it off he set the tree on fire and pushed it on Xigbar.

"Thats for ruining my Christmas you asswipe bitch!"


End file.
